Sneaky Snake

Most People think that it was St. Patrick who drove the snakes from Ireland. Well they couldn't be more wrong. It was my great great great, etc. uncle Nikolai O'Berezowski.

This is the real story.

Years ago the people of Ireland were plagued by snakes. St. Patrick agreed to rid the island of snakes but when the time came to do the work he couldn't be found. He was drunked up in a bar somewhere.

The people of Ireland were becoming frantic. Then my great great great, etc. uncle Nicky said he would rid the island of snakes. He would take the snakes and settle in Canada but in return he wanted a pot of gold. The deal was struck.

Uncle Nicky took the snakes and settled in north eastern Saskatchewan. The Irish people gave a pot of gold to some vertically challenged people to carry across the ocean to Uncle Nicky. But as it turned out these guys took the gold and absconded with it. Even today these miscreants are running around Ireland hiding their ill gotten treasure.

Even though Uncle Nicky never received his payment he bore no hard feelings. He did not return the snakes.

Today the snakes still roam free around Pelly Saskatchewan and are a huge tourist attraction http://www.pelly.ca/thesnakepit.html .

As long as an O'Berezowski is alive the snakes will not be allowed to return to Ireland.

Stupid ducks

I dunno what it is, maybe sunspots, could be global warming it just beats me.

I've been having these weird dreams again.

In this one I'm a kid, about 15 or 16, and I am going on a trip to what was then the Soviet Union, what is now Russia. Part of the deal is that I have to take this duck with me, it's a mallard duck. It's the winter time and the duck is under the ice in a pond. This duck seems to be doing fine under the ice with no air. In fact, it's swimming around having a great time
I take a tractor and drive it on the ice. The tractor breaks through the ice and splashes into the pond; somehow I end up with the duck in my arms.

hmmmmmm, I wonder what it could mean

Chainsaw Daze

Ok, I live Whitehorse, Yukon. Apparently that's somewhere up north and out in the bush. When you live in places like this, there's this thing about being a "man" and what you have to do to be a "man". One of a the things a "man" has is a big bloody 4X4. Invariably, these things avtually never get out in the bush. They're only used to drive to Tim Horton's. Another of the other things a "man" has is a chainsaw. Yah live in the bush, yah gotta have a saw !!

Now, all of my friends have these fancy Stihls and Huskys. So with all this cash invested in hardware do you thing there's much logging around here ? No way. People use these things to cut firewood out of old burn areas. These guys cut a couple of cords a year and then yeehaw "I'm a man !!"

I was never into this chainsaw shtick, not me, I've got an el cheapo Poulan. The thing has leaked oil since I got, it's ugly and green. Guess what ? It works !! The one thing it does have is a 20" bar. Up here you're lucky if you can find a tree with more than an 8" diameter. I admit it's overkill. All of my buddies have 16" bars on their saws. These guys laugh at me, ha ha ha ha, 'cause I've got this cheesey green saw.

Like with everything else that makes a "man", size does count. That's right boys yuk it up 'cause the laff's on you boys.

I have a dream, again

The other night I had this dream. I dunno I think I gotta quit going to sleep or something.

Anyhoo, I'm driving my truck through the bush backwards. It's the new truck, the '05 F-250 supercab diesel 4X4.

I'm ripping the the sides off the truck box as I'm backing up through the bushes, not to mention I'm crumpling in the tailgate as well. I stop and get out to have a look. As I'm standing there looking at the damage I've done, these 2 hoboes walk up and start telling me what I should do. Now, these are not ordinary bums, these hoboes are your classy type hoboes, with the top hats and canes and spats.

So, just then I start to wake up. A vision of this Mr. Peanut guy from the Planter's peanut jar flashes through my head. You know the guy, the one with the top hat, monocle and cane.

I start to wonder what this means.

Then another thought goes thought my mind "don't eat roasted peanuts" !!

Then it all comes together !!!

I should never eat roasted peanuts and back my truck through the bush at the same time !!!

A good safety tip sez the Cap'n, by gar !!

Enough is Enough

I was home sick the other day. I sat around watching the US news channels. They spent the whole morning following Britney's SUV to the LA County court house for some court appoinment of some kind. Of course, they did this by chopper.

What's this world coming to ?

Is it any wonder terrorists hate the US ? The US is out supporting governments that are unpopular; governments that kill and torture people. On the home front what do we see on the news networks ? Choppers chasing Britney !!! Jeeze Looweeze !!!

I'm gonna go down and buy a couple of bottles of whiskey; then I'm headin up the North Klondike Highway. I'm gonna stick my thumb out and wait for some aliens to pick me up. That's it I'm leavin' this planet.

My Nephew David

My nephew David came up for a visit last week. He's my wife's older brother's oldest kid. He's 21 or so and he's going to university. He was up for 3 days after he finished his summer job and before he starts school again. He's a very nice kid, I suppose he's actually a man but to me he's a kid. He's quiet and polite. He's very bright and has an interesting sense of humour.

My wife started back to work teaching so I took some time off to show him around. I didn't mind 'cause he's a nice kid. But he would drive me C-R-A-Z-Y ! !

I would ask him "Do you want to go to the musem or ride the train ?"

He'd say "Yeah, that'd be ok I guess."

I'd say "No, no, no you have to choose one: musem or train ?"

He'd say "Yeah, whatever."

I'd say "Musem ?"

He'd say "Sure, I guess."

I'd say "Train ?"

He'd say "Uh, yeah ok."

It just drove me crazy. So I finally got an answer out of him. He wanted to go on the train. It was like this for everything. Although by the end of the visit I got him trained up so good and proper so he'd answer me directly.

So we're riding on the train. Dave's sitting on the inside by the window so he can get a better view. I'm sitting beside him. You can walk to the back or front of the rail car and stand on the little platform to get a better view or take a better picture than from inside the car. We're riding along.

Dave says to me "That's a nice view."

I look out the window and and sez "Yep."

He starts looking at me so I look at him and sez "What?"

He says "Well ?"

I says "Well what?"

He says "Well could you please move so I could get out and take a picture ?"

Jee-ee-ee-ze how'm I supposed to know he wants me to move. It's not like I can read minds you know.

The other thing was gettin' him to make conversation.

I'd say "What's your sister doin' ?"

He'd say "Working."

I'd say "How's your mom and dad doin' ?"

He'd say "Fine."

Bloody Blue Hell !! But, at least he didn't mind not talking. We could drive for half an hour and not say anything which was ok.

His ole man is kinda screwy. He phoned while David was there. He wanted to check up on him. He asked how I was doin'. I told I recently found out I had diabetes. I said I was cutting back on the beef and eating more fish. I said I hated fish. He asked why was cutting back on beef. I said well you know there's more omega 3 in fish and blah blah blah blah.

He says "Well, there's plenty of omega 3 in beef. "

I sez "What ? yer full of it !!"

He says "Oh yeah."

I sez " I never heard that."

He says "Oh yeah, in grass fed beef."

Well now here we go. It turns out that there's this one cow in Lower Slobbovia owned by some little old granny lady that pastured on the east side of this one particular mountain that had a slightly higher omega 3 content in it's meat than other beef. That's why beef is high in omega 3. Christ on a raft !!

There were signs. I should have known. When I first started going out with my wife her family was into this weirdness; one her sisters, her brother and her mother were twisting silverware. I don't mean with pliers either. I mean the whoooo-ooooo-oooo stuff like Uri Geller. All that psychic mumbo jumbo. I could have run then but no.

Aliens

A couple of summers ago we were driving to Edmonton. It was about 2:30 in the morning. My wife was driving. She was driving the truck and we were pulling a 20 foot tandem axle equipment trailer. We decided to find a place to take a 10 minute break.

We pulled up to this rest stop just outside Whitecourt. It was about 150 yards long and about 30 yards wide. It was brightly lit. The restrooms were on the side near the highway, the lights were on the opposite side of the restrooms.

We pulled up beside the restrooms. My wife and daughter went to the women's can and I walked across the rest area and into the grass and whizzed in the bush at the edge of the rest area. I finished and turned around and started walking back. I was about 25 yards from the truck. All of sudden I sees this thing running from under the truck straight towards me. Phizzzzt !!! Fastern a bat outta hell. It's about 12 inches long sorta rectangularish and furry. It didn't have a tail. It was low to the ground. It looked like a big furry chocolate bar.

So, zip, it's heading straight for me. Thanx to my amazing reflexes I jumped and it missed me and headed off into the bushes.

Now, I don't know what it was. I know it was no squirrel. It weren't no hairy marmmot. It weren't no ring tailed leemur. It weren't no animal I ever seen.

Now I'm not sayin' it was an alien ner nothin'. But consider this, say you was an alien and you were gonna kidnap someone. Wouldn't you be kidnappin' the most intelligent and most physically perfect speciman you could find ? Think about it.