My nephew David came up for a visit last week. He's my wife's older brother's oldest kid. He's 21 or so and he's going to university. He was up for 3 days after he finished his summer job and before he starts school again. He's a very nice kid, I suppose he's actually a man but to me he's a kid. He's quiet and polite. He's very bright and has an interesting sense of humour.
My wife started back to work teaching so I took some time off to show him around. I didn't mind 'cause he's a nice kid. But he would drive me C-R-A-Z-Y ! !
I would ask him "Do you want to go to the musem or ride the train ?"
He'd say "Yeah, that'd be ok I guess."
I'd say "No, no, no you have to choose one: musem or train ?"
He'd say "Yeah, whatever."
I'd say "Musem ?"
He'd say "Sure, I guess."
I'd say "Train ?"
He'd say "Uh, yeah ok."
It just drove me crazy. So I finally got an answer out of him. He wanted to go on the train. It was like this for everything. Although by the end of the visit I got him trained up so good and proper so he'd answer me directly.
So we're riding on the train. Dave's sitting on the inside by the window so he can get a better view. I'm sitting beside him. You can walk to the back or front of the rail car and stand on the little platform to get a better view or take a better picture than from inside the car. We're riding along.
Dave says to me "That's a nice view."
I look out the window and and sez "Yep."
He starts looking at me so I look at him and sez "What?"
He says "Well ?"
I says "Well what?"
He says "Well could you please move so I could get out and take a picture ?"
Jee-ee-ee-ze how'm I supposed to know he wants me to move. It's not like I can read minds you know.
The other thing was gettin' him to make conversation.
I'd say "What's your sister doin' ?"
He'd say "Working."
I'd say "How's your mom and dad doin' ?"
He'd say "Fine."
Bloody Blue Hell !! But, at least he didn't mind not talking. We could drive for half an hour and not say anything which was ok.
His ole man is kinda screwy. He phoned while David was there. He wanted to check up on him. He asked how I was doin'. I told I recently found out I had diabetes. I said I was cutting back on the beef and eating more fish. I said I hated fish. He asked why was cutting back on beef. I said well you know there's more omega 3 in fish and blah blah blah blah.
He says "Well, there's plenty of omega 3 in beef. "
I sez "What ? yer full of it !!"
He says "Oh yeah."
I sez " I never heard that."
He says "Oh yeah, in grass fed beef."
Well now here we go. It turns out that there's this one cow in Lower Slobbovia owned by some little old granny lady that pastured on the east side of this one particular mountain that had a slightly higher omega 3 content in it's meat than other beef. That's why beef is high in omega 3. Christ on a raft !!
There were signs. I should have known. When I first started going out with my wife her family was into this weirdness; one her sisters, her brother and her mother were twisting silverware. I don't mean with pliers either. I mean the whoooo-ooooo-oooo stuff like Uri Geller. All that psychic mumbo jumbo. I could have run then but no.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Aliens
A couple of summers ago we were driving to Edmonton. It was about 2:30 in the morning. My wife was driving. She was driving the truck and we were pulling a 20 foot tandem axle equipment trailer. We decided to find a place to take a 10 minute break.
We pulled up to this rest stop just outside Whitecourt. It was about 150 yards long and about 30 yards wide. It was brightly lit. The restrooms were on the side near the highway, the lights were on the opposite side of the restrooms.
We pulled up beside the restrooms. My wife and daughter went to the women's can and I walked across the rest area and into the grass and whizzed in the bush at the edge of the rest area. I finished and turned around and started walking back. I was about 25 yards from the truck. All of sudden I sees this thing running from under the truck straight towards me. Phizzzzt !!! Fastern a bat outta hell. It's about 12 inches long sorta rectangularish and furry. It didn't have a tail. It was low to the ground. It looked like a big furry chocolate bar.
So, zip, it's heading straight for me. Thanx to my amazing reflexes I jumped and it missed me and headed off into the bushes.
Now, I don't know what it was. I know it was no squirrel. It weren't no hairy marmmot. It weren't no ring tailed leemur. It weren't no animal I ever seen.
Now I'm not sayin' it was an alien ner nothin'. But consider this, say you was an alien and you were gonna kidnap someone. Wouldn't you be kidnappin' the most intelligent and most physically perfect speciman you could find ? Think about it.
We pulled up to this rest stop just outside Whitecourt. It was about 150 yards long and about 30 yards wide. It was brightly lit. The restrooms were on the side near the highway, the lights were on the opposite side of the restrooms.
We pulled up beside the restrooms. My wife and daughter went to the women's can and I walked across the rest area and into the grass and whizzed in the bush at the edge of the rest area. I finished and turned around and started walking back. I was about 25 yards from the truck. All of sudden I sees this thing running from under the truck straight towards me. Phizzzzt !!! Fastern a bat outta hell. It's about 12 inches long sorta rectangularish and furry. It didn't have a tail. It was low to the ground. It looked like a big furry chocolate bar.
So, zip, it's heading straight for me. Thanx to my amazing reflexes I jumped and it missed me and headed off into the bushes.
Now, I don't know what it was. I know it was no squirrel. It weren't no hairy marmmot. It weren't no ring tailed leemur. It weren't no animal I ever seen.
Now I'm not sayin' it was an alien ner nothin'. But consider this, say you was an alien and you were gonna kidnap someone. Wouldn't you be kidnappin' the most intelligent and most physically perfect speciman you could find ? Think about it.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Dogs are so Stoooooooopid !
We have this mongrel dog, it's a cross between somethin' and somethin' else. It's a fleabag idiot, lord knows why we keep it. It weighs about 35 pounds, is salt and pepper colored and stands 18 inches tall at the back.
When we first got the mutt I'd let it out in the backyard and it ate the skidoo seat, the tail light, reflector, the whole shebang. Dummass hound.
Anyway, we have guinea pigs and el poocho loves these things. It's constantly trying to get at these damn guinea pigs. Not because it wants to eat them but because it wants to play with them. Anytime the pooch has gotten near them it starts lickin' 'em and slobberin' on 'em. It's just plain disgusting.
So, one spring the dog is in the backyard running around like a retard and it spots this gopher. It starts chasing the gopher. This gopher is no gopher Einstein either, instead of running down a hole it runs from one side of the yard to the other, back and forth, back and forth. The fool dog is woof woof woofing like crazy. The gopher is chittering like an idiot. Whoopee !!!
Finally, the gopher runs under our 4 wheeler ATV and crawls somewhere up into the frame. The ATV has a cover on. The gopher figures it's safe. But it's wrong. The dog starts digging and it's still woof woof woofing. The gopher is still chittering and he sounds plenty pissed off. Somehow the doggarino manages to dig a hole under the ATV and disappears under the ATV cover.
We hear more woofing and chittering and we see the cover undulating about as if the ATV has been taken over by an alien lifeform. Jeezus. We finally decide to rescue the poor gopher before the dog kills it. We rip the cover off the ATV and somehow manage to get the dog untanagled from the ATV. The gopher is still PO'ed and the dog's still woofing. We get the dog away and there's this gopher, sitting up in the ATV frame, soaking wet ! The dog did get the gopher, instead of killing it, the dog was licking it. K-e-e-rist !
We take the dog in the house and the gopher makes a break for it, instead of making for his hole, he hides in a pile of lumber. My wife lets the dog loose again. The gopher starts chittering, the dog finds where the gopher is hiding, here we go again. At least the dog can't get at the gopher this time. Jeeze bloody Louise !
The Capn sez: It's obvious why people love and keep dogs. It makes us look smart !!
When we first got the mutt I'd let it out in the backyard and it ate the skidoo seat, the tail light, reflector, the whole shebang. Dummass hound.
Anyway, we have guinea pigs and el poocho loves these things. It's constantly trying to get at these damn guinea pigs. Not because it wants to eat them but because it wants to play with them. Anytime the pooch has gotten near them it starts lickin' 'em and slobberin' on 'em. It's just plain disgusting.
So, one spring the dog is in the backyard running around like a retard and it spots this gopher. It starts chasing the gopher. This gopher is no gopher Einstein either, instead of running down a hole it runs from one side of the yard to the other, back and forth, back and forth. The fool dog is woof woof woofing like crazy. The gopher is chittering like an idiot. Whoopee !!!
Finally, the gopher runs under our 4 wheeler ATV and crawls somewhere up into the frame. The ATV has a cover on. The gopher figures it's safe. But it's wrong. The dog starts digging and it's still woof woof woofing. The gopher is still chittering and he sounds plenty pissed off. Somehow the doggarino manages to dig a hole under the ATV and disappears under the ATV cover.
We hear more woofing and chittering and we see the cover undulating about as if the ATV has been taken over by an alien lifeform. Jeezus. We finally decide to rescue the poor gopher before the dog kills it. We rip the cover off the ATV and somehow manage to get the dog untanagled from the ATV. The gopher is still PO'ed and the dog's still woofing. We get the dog away and there's this gopher, sitting up in the ATV frame, soaking wet ! The dog did get the gopher, instead of killing it, the dog was licking it. K-e-e-rist !
We take the dog in the house and the gopher makes a break for it, instead of making for his hole, he hides in a pile of lumber. My wife lets the dog loose again. The gopher starts chittering, the dog finds where the gopher is hiding, here we go again. At least the dog can't get at the gopher this time. Jeeze bloody Louise !
The Capn sez: It's obvious why people love and keep dogs. It makes us look smart !!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Fishin' for hooks
There's a couple of characters I know, Albert and Geehaw (pronounced like heehaw, with a hard G like gut). They're not exactly a pair of church goin' bible totin' do gooders if you catch my drift. But on the other hand they're not exactly Enron executives. They do a little poaching, maybe salvage the odd piece of junk that's not tied down, that kind of thing. They like to drink, although Gorman's been on the wagon since the last time he was was on a Lysol binge. Apparently, he had to be taken to the hospital, something about internal bleeding. Anyway I digress.
One day Geehaw comes up with this idea, it's actually a pretty good idea. He finds an old box spring mattress and burns it. He ties a a rope onto the old mattress and takes it down to this fishing hole at this creek. He makes sure no one is around when he's down at the creek. This is an old turny, twisty creek. There are plenty of places to fish in this creek but this one spot is pretty popular. The creek isn't to wide, you can cast your line across it. Geehaw takes the mattress and throws it into the middle of the creek. He takes the end of the rope and ties it around the stump of a tree nearby and hides the rest of the rope. Now you can't see the rope or the mattress.
Geehaw comes back to the creek in a month or so. He makes sure no one's around, he pulls out the box spring and you guessed it. There's a bunch of spoons caught in the box spring. He removes the spoons, throws the mattress back and covers up the rope. Pretty good deal I figure.
Geehaw makes one mistake though. He mentions this to Albert. Albert is down at the creek one day fishin' and he spots Geehaw's rope. Well, what's Albert supposed to do ? He hauls the box spring out, removes the spoons and throws the box spring back in.
Geehaw goes down to the creek for his monthly visit. In the same way a fisherman tends his nets or a trapper tends his traps(wow what an analogy). He pulls out the box spring and finds 1 or 2 spoons. He realizes he's been had. Then he realizes it can only have been Albert.
He sees Albert some time later and says "I know what you did you sneaky bugger."
Albert, of course knows what Geehaw is talking about, but denies anything "Hey man, it wasn't me !"
Geehaw grins and says "Don't play innocent with me, you were the only one I told."
Albert laughs "No way man, if something got stole' call the cops."
Now of course Geehaw didn't call the cops and he probably moved the box spring and he would probably move it on a regular basis. I doubt that Alfred ever found it again. I doubt that Geehaw will tell Albert anymore of his ideas. It's hard to say.
One day Geehaw comes up with this idea, it's actually a pretty good idea. He finds an old box spring mattress and burns it. He ties a a rope onto the old mattress and takes it down to this fishing hole at this creek. He makes sure no one is around when he's down at the creek. This is an old turny, twisty creek. There are plenty of places to fish in this creek but this one spot is pretty popular. The creek isn't to wide, you can cast your line across it. Geehaw takes the mattress and throws it into the middle of the creek. He takes the end of the rope and ties it around the stump of a tree nearby and hides the rest of the rope. Now you can't see the rope or the mattress.
Geehaw comes back to the creek in a month or so. He makes sure no one's around, he pulls out the box spring and you guessed it. There's a bunch of spoons caught in the box spring. He removes the spoons, throws the mattress back and covers up the rope. Pretty good deal I figure.
Geehaw makes one mistake though. He mentions this to Albert. Albert is down at the creek one day fishin' and he spots Geehaw's rope. Well, what's Albert supposed to do ? He hauls the box spring out, removes the spoons and throws the box spring back in.
Geehaw goes down to the creek for his monthly visit. In the same way a fisherman tends his nets or a trapper tends his traps(wow what an analogy). He pulls out the box spring and finds 1 or 2 spoons. He realizes he's been had. Then he realizes it can only have been Albert.
He sees Albert some time later and says "I know what you did you sneaky bugger."
Albert, of course knows what Geehaw is talking about, but denies anything "Hey man, it wasn't me !"
Geehaw grins and says "Don't play innocent with me, you were the only one I told."
Albert laughs "No way man, if something got stole' call the cops."
Now of course Geehaw didn't call the cops and he probably moved the box spring and he would probably move it on a regular basis. I doubt that Alfred ever found it again. I doubt that Geehaw will tell Albert anymore of his ideas. It's hard to say.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Death comes a knock-knock-knockin'
The father of a friend recently passed away. It's during these times of inconsolable grief that we must stand strong and be a rock for our friends and family to lean on. We must be the harbour that they may anchour their tormented souls. We must be the washcloth they can use to wash away their grief. We must be the laxative that restores their psychic regularity. To this end I have selected some tasteful sites that may help you and your loved ones in this, their hour of need.
The Cap'n says: Remember mateys death, dignity, decorum and savings are not mutually exclusive.
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